The Working Mother’s Dilemma
I had my first child just two years after we got married. I did not know exactly what I was thinking, but I wanted a baby. Our family business was just getting started, and there was a lot of pressure and stress involved in surviving in the corporate world. I worked right up to the day I had my precious daughter, Brooke. I did not know it yet, but I was about to live the working mother dilemma every single day for years.
Then I had my second child, a boy, just 22 months later. I remember simply trying to survive, because I could not sleep and I was working in a high-pressure role. I was 28 years old, a wife and a mother of two, immersed in the corporate world. We had started the university a few years earlier, and I was needed in the company. At that point we were in survival mode, which made me work even harder, because it was basically work or go hungry. I was growing as a leader, helping my family improve our business, and learning how to be a working mother.
The two choices every working mother faces
As a mother, I had the feelings every mom has when she is facing two choices: either I stay home and we barely get by, or I go to work and become a mother who helps the family live with a little more comfort. I had so many friends who were moms and had chosen to stay home, and that made me feel worse about my decision to work.
Those feelings created a war inside of me. I cannot deny that there were days when I could barely make it out of the daycare before I fell apart. Sometimes the children would cry and would not let go of me. A teacher would have to pry them off me so I could leave quickly. The moment I got to the car, I broke down in tears.
I wanted to provide for my family the same way my husband did. I remember dropping the kids off at school and racing to work. Then I would race back to pick them up before the late fee kicked in after 5:30 p.m. Almost my whole paycheck went to paying for daycare.
Eventually I would settle down after about an hour at work. There were other mothers at the company who felt exactly the way I did. We cried together and we held each other up.
What actually came out of those years
Looking back, I wish I had more control over my emotions and over how I felt when I dropped the children off, because so much good came out of that experience. My kids were very outgoing and engaged with other people. They were not as fearful, and they made friends very quickly as they grew up. I know that came from interacting with other children and teachers in those younger years. Today we talk about those days and we laugh. They understand why I had to work, and they do not even remember me as an absent mom.
Is there a right answer for a working mother?
So whether you are a stay-at-home mom or a working mom, know that there is no right or wrong here. It is something you have to work through personally.
Whatever you do, remember to follow your heart. Take care of your responsibilities when you are at work, and do the same with your family. Being a mother and a wife have been the most rewarding and fulfilling parts of my life. When I learned to appreciate where I was in the moment and realized that my career, my family, and my marriage were all doing well, I was able to have peace with my decisions.
If you are in that season and want more than survival, Beyond the Basics is where I go deeper on it, and the mentorship tracks exist for women carrying a family and a career at the same time.
Frequently asked questions
Is it wrong for a mother to work outside the home?
There is no right or wrong here. Staying home and working are both legitimate, and the decision is personal. What matters is taking care of your responsibilities at work and doing the same with your family.
How do you handle the guilt of leaving your kids at daycare?
I cried in the car more times than I can count, and I wish I had held my emotions better. What helped was other mothers at the company who felt the same way, and time: my children remember those years with laughter, not absence.
Did anything good come out of being a working mother?
Yes. My kids grew up outgoing and engaged, less fearful and quick to make friends, and I am convinced that came from those early years around other children and teachers. Today they understand why I worked.
Keep reading
Being a working mother touches leadership, seasons and survival all at once. These three are where those threads continue.